Crazy Uncle PaysteWhite bought a brand new bottle of Maker’s Mark Last night…. following are all of the texts which poured out of him like semi-demented and totally twisted poetry:

There is no more of horrific sound than to be standing in a buffet line and hear a sneeze.

I masturbate. Often. Hard. If my d!ck was a child I’d be on the lam from CPS.

6 shots in, feel nothing. I’m like Rocky, no Rambo! Wait f+ck that… Cobra.

I….AM AN F-B-I… AGENT!” CUT!! Great job Kevin! What? Its Ke-aw-no? Oh, well…you’re going to be a star Kevin!

If you know me you know I f+ckin’ love Ritz Crackers. That’s real talk.

Doritos Los Tacos sounds like something you could catch off a toilet seat. If true, I’d eat my ass off.

My last interview: There’s an opening for an entry hand job position. If you work hard, for a few minutes, you can get promoted to blow job