Image by JMRosenfeld via Flickr
Paystee and I have been in the gym a lot lately. Him training for the LA Marathon, me in a local weight loss competition. And when you are spending many hours a day at the gym and you are fighting your way through what feels like the 9th day of the week, your mind tends to wander away from normal into areas where you can get some real entertainment. A few random thoughts from the treadmill.
1. You start staring at everyone’s ass. EVERYONE’s ass. Dudes, girls, women, dudes, good, bad and ugly. You need a break from watching Wendy Williams or re-runs of Numbers. Speaking of….how many damn shows can you script intertwining geometry, trigonometry and murder. I’ve never seen a detective with a protractor.
2. We are pretty certain that Horatio Sans works out at our gym. And that guy from Entourage that played Johnny Drama but a little more downsyndromish. He’s also the grunting guy. He makes faces and loud grunts with each rep as if his rectum is being invaded by the French. There’s always that one girl that uses the gym as a fashion show and to give us blue balls. You know the one that matches her earrings down to her shoelaces sponsored by Maybelline at 5am. She would look so beautiful hacked into a dozen pieces and placed strategically into my freezer or along the nearest highway. But on a side note, we would like to personally thank the inventors of spandex and the stair master.
3. Then you’ve got your MMA guy in there, except he is always wrestling with a young boy. We don’t judge, we just try not to make eye contact. Unless you’re into that kind of thing. Not MMA…the little boy thing. I do not want to roll around on a mat with a dude at 5am trading positioning from my head to partner’s crotch and partner’s head to my crotch. If I get in a fight I will punch you in the face. You can spot him with the presence of a black schmedium shirt containing a skull on fire raping a komodo dragon with wings, flat-billed black hat donning his favorite energy drink and breakaway pants. Definitely sporting pants because his legs look like 2 toothpicks stuck in an orange.
4. You can recognize your gym mates by smell. This is not a positive thing. Just because it is 5 am doesn’t excuse you from a little Listerine , deodorant or gasoline.
5. You critique everyone’s form when they are working out. Most situations you don’t even have to watch their form. You can simply look at them and know they’re not exercising correctly. You’re in here every morning and you look like that? Yeah…you’re doing something wrong.
6. At some point, you pray for a knee injury or a deranged lunatic to bust in the gym doors guns a blazing in hopes you take a bullet, simply so you won’t have to run anymore.
7. If I have to hear November Rain come up in my iPod one more time I might just side with Slash on that whole Axel Rose is a huge asshole thing. Nice algorithm Steve Jobs. Yes, out of the 3000 songs on my iPod I want to hear that one 56 times in the last 12 weeks.
