Marathon. Done. Life…has begun. One word, 3 syllables….MISERABLE. Or is that 4 syllables? You know what is 3 syllables…F*CKING SUCKED. That’s how one Paystee runner would describe the LA Marathon held on Sunday March 20th, 2011. Running sucks but then to add a torrential/tsunami downpour into the mix makes it just holocaustic. OK bad comparison but I’m jewish and ran the marathon so shut the f*ck up.
Let’s start pre-race. 4am: Catch a shuttle from my downtown hotel that takes about 30 runners up to Dodger Stadium where the race begins. The shuttle’s aromas was filled with Ben Gay and overly optimistic people about the day’s weather. I hated those people. It was freezing at Dodger Stadium and I found shelter in between 2 dumpsters to avoid the wind chill and Katrina atmosphere, also a great place to p!ss avoiding porto-potty lines. So there I am at mile 1 wanting to jab my thumbs into my ears until my brain began hemorrhaging to avoid “I Love L.A.” theme song from Mr. Toy Story Down syndrome. I immediately pull off at mile .75 to urinate with about 20 other runners up a side embankment just outside of the stadium. P!ssing in public can only be accredited during a marathon. Yes both men and women and it happens every mile no matter where you are. All is wonderful in the air until mile 5. That’s when I lost the Band-Aid (or generic adhesive strip) over my right nipple, my favorite nipple. You see you place Band-Aids over your nipples so they don’t chafe, sexy I know but also a must to avoid this feeling you will now try at home:
1-Take a pair of freshly sharpened scissors.
2-Cut your nipple off.
3- Hold a lighter to that nipple for 2 minutes.
Once completed you will understand why you place adhesive strips on your nips to never again experience that pain.
So my one nipple is vulnerable and I’m at mile 5 at Echo Park. Now mind you I wouldn’t be caught near Echo Park unless I’m fresh out of heroin, need a fake ID or fresh out of heroin. That’s when it started to literally vomit from the clouds. The rain drops hurt like the backhand of my uncle’s knuckles when I would hide his scotch. It stormed from mile 5 to mile 26.2 non-stop. Every step was in a 3 inch puddle and if you avoided one puddle you were hit with a splash from a fellow runner. My socks and shoes added at least 2 pounds. I lost my pace and urge for life at mile 20.5 and walked majority of 20.5 to mile 23. I had one girl stop running and walk with me “C’MON! YOU’RE ALMOST THERE! YOU CAN DO IT!” Me-“No we’re not. We’re more than 4 miles out you dumb b!tch.” She then proceeded to jog off without me. I hope she fell and caught syphilis. I was starving, I was dehydrated and you start to contemplate why are you doing this? Why did you not eat a cookie since 2010? Why did I pass on dozens of King Cobra 40’s and Four Loco’s that could have been devoured? For this?!? To walk miserably in a storm crying because I thought the last time I would see my family had taken place?!? And this entire time I’ve got a rotating track of “I LOVE LA! dun nuh nunt nunt…WE LOVE IT!” in my head. Swear to god you’re dead to me Randy Newman. When you’re bonking (body is depleted of nourishment) you attempt to replenish yourself with anything in site. Now this can be scary when on the streets of LA. Spectators are offering oranges, chips, beer (no joke), gummy bears (awesome), pretzels, basically anything they can pull from their overpriced lofts. I even ate a used diaper. When and behold I got that 2nd wind. From 24 to 26.2 I was back on my horse and running again. Thank you little asian lady who handed me the pre-used Pamper. It felt great even with the additional 20 pounds of wet clothes and soggy self-esteem. I finished 20 minutes behind my anticipated goal but still beat out over 23,000 other runners in a field of 30,000. They must have really hated life that day to be out there longer than me. But once again I promised myself somewhere in between mile 20.5 and 23 that I would never put myself through this again. Well 3 days after it I just signed up for my 2nd one this year.
“From the South Bay to the Valley
From the West Side to the East Side
Everybody’s very happy
‘Cause the sun is shining all the time
Looks like another perfect day
I love L.A. (We love it)
I love L.A. (We love it)