While dumpster diving behind Tim Cook’s house recently, we came across some top-secret specs of the… are you ready for it????  The iPhone 6!  Here is a quick wrap-up of what we found and even some scans of top-secret doodles.  Apparently Jonathan Ive is a really shitty artist.

Will we get sued and put out of business for leaking this info?  Probably… but screw it!!!  We are journalists dedicated to the truth, and our people (that’s you) deserve the best.

The doodles that we found, featuring some pretty incredible tech, for the iPhone 6 are bellow (click on images for a larger view)… and yes, the details for each picture is listed down there as well. You can bet your sweet ass cheeks that we will be camping out like some über Star Wars/Harry Potter/Halo nerd to pick up this one at midnight. 

Here are the deets:

  1. Siri will now only obey short, one word commands much like a dog. She will also sulk when you yell at her for being stupid or dropping a call.
  2. It will provide you with an Asian massage.  A “complete” Asian Massage.
  3. Hidden in the code is a picture of Steve Job’s tumor.
  4. It’s new 80 megapixel camera has x-ray, heat vision and night vision. As well as crazy stalker target lock function.
  5. It is water, dirt, chemical and outer space proof.
  6. Instead of Bluetooth technology, you will be able to communicate with it telepathically.  Yes, you can think about porn and it will show up on your iPhone.
  7. It offers a built-in manscaper for quick shaving on-the-go.
  8. Built in flask to hold approximately 1.5 oz. (a single shot) of any liquid.
  9. Includes a one-time-use taser for debilitating a mugger/robber/drunkwhoresatthebar
  10. Has a 3D projection screen, for truly amazing porn.