From time to time, we will be featuring contributions from our new team of columnists.  First up is our new columnist Special Agent White with his thoughts on this past weekend’s Halloween festivities.  Enjoy, and let us know what you think!

Okay, so Halloween has come and gone again.  Hope you all had a great time.  Not so much?  Not to worry, we have solutions for you.  Follow our advice and you are sure to have a great time next year.  (Disclaimer: This is not an actual guarantee, especially if you are the kind of person that never has a great time anywhere you go.)

There are many reasons why you could be feeling the post-Halloween disappointment.  Here are some possibilities:

  1. You didn’t win the costume contest that you were trying to win.  You spent hours planning, developing, and perfecting your costume.  You spent an embarrassing amount of money buying it, or a grotesque amount of hours actually making it yourself.  All along, you justified it by saying that you were sure to win.  And now you feel ashamed of yourself.  You should.
  2. Your significant other wanted you to dress up in some lame costume and you refused.  And now they’re mad at you.  Or worse, they went to the party without you and you think they hooked up with the Batman to their Cabwoman.  You’re a chump.
  3. Someone smashed a pumpkin on your car because you are too cheap to throw down some cash on candy for the kids on your block.  You suck.
  4. People laughed at your costume for the wrong reasons.  It takes a particular type of guy to pull off being able to wear a female category costume such as an ice skater.  (You know what I’m talking about if you watched “Community” this week.  That was hilarious!)  When you wore your “manly ballerina” costume, everyone just thought you were finally coming out.  You closet Moe.
  5. You offended everyone with your costume choice.  Really?  You thought that it was a good idea to come as the corpse of a recently assassinated figure?  You douche.

So there is your partial list.  Now, let’s get to the solutions.  They are pretty simple really.

Problem #1: You didn’t win the costume contest.  Solution: Change your attitude and strategy.  So you lost.  Big deal.  What are you, delusional?  Face it, the winner of the costume contest always goes to the hottest girl wearing the sluttiest costume, which she is “accidentally” falling out of.  We’ve been there.  It’s out of your hands.  Let it go.

Now that you know you won’t win the contest, what is the point of even trying to have a good costume?  Since you know you won’t have the satisfaction of winning, you can at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you didn’t even try.  Here are some costume ideas that require various combinations of very little time, planning, talent, and/or money.  If you follow these suggestions, we can guarantee that you will never have to endure the embarrassment of showing up to a party in the same costume as someone else.  (Disclaimer: This is not an actual guarantee, again.)

“The guy/girl that…”: This idea is simple and effective.  You bring some kind of random accessory to your normal clothes and you become the person that came with that thing.  Such as, “The guy that came with a cape”, or “The guy that came with a guitar.”  It works.  Confidence goes a long way for any costume.

Pro-Wrestling fan.  The only requirement is a pro-wrestling t-shirt.  Try a second hand store or borrow one from that guy you know that’s way into wrestling.  (Wash it before wearing it; or don’t wash it, for increased authenticity.)  You’ll probably have to lie and tell him that you are trying to promote the awesomeness of professional wrestling.

The guy that didn’t wear pants.  Wear normal clothes, but don’t wear pants.  Boxers required.  Preferably double-layered.  Boxer-briefs if you are bold and trying to impress someone.

THAT guy.  You know who we mean, the one smoking indoors and blowing it in people’s faces, making crude statements about people’s lame costumes or relative hotness, telling inappropriate jokes way too loudly, laughing way too loud and obnoxiously, getting way too drunk, being way too comfortable telling personal stories to people he just met, flirting with other guys’ dates right in front of them, etc.  You can pretty much do whatever you want, whatever pops into your head and when you get called on anything just respond by saying, “Hey, I’m THAT guy.”  And point to the sticker on your shirt that simply states “THAT guy.”  Instant impunity.  We’re telling you, it’s better than diplomatic immunity.

Naked, wearing only an ET mask.  The more authentic mask the better in this case.  It will be ironic because you’ll be the least dressed, but may have spent the most on your costume.  (This is not on the cheap costume list) Also, be sure to make people uncomfortable by poking them and then tell them you were only trying to “phone home.”

The Gamer.  Another super easy one.  All you need is some mismatched clothes and a headset with a microphone attachment.  Don’t have one?  Steal one from work for the night.  If you want to go the extra mile you could pick up some Velcro tennis shoes from Wally World or a second hand store.  Another great accessory is a big bag of Doritos or a couple of pizza pockets.  But, pick the chips over the pizza pockets.  You can share them and people will be happy to see you for a change.

If you dare: earn mad “dude (or dude-ette) points.”  Go above and beyond.  Delve into the Uber-sarcastic at the expense of anyone who dares question your authenticity.  An example: Dress in your plainest, most normal clothes, and whenever anyone asks who you are just make up a name and say that “Bob” is someone you work with, “and he TOTALLY dresses like this.”  Or you can even say that you borrowed his clothes.  Be sure to act like the people asking you for an explanation are the one who is being ridiculous.

If all else fails: do you have ANY nice clothes?  Suit?  Tell people you are lawyer or any other profession where a man wears a suit.  Tux?  You’re a spy.  Fancy dress?  You’re a bridesmaid.  Crappy suit?  Put too much goop in your hair and you are a used car salesman.  Ugly dress?  You’re an even more authentic bridesmaid.

Remember; always make sure that you choose a costume idea that you KNOW that nobody else will do.  It’s almost never cool to have the 2nd best Bill Clinton costume.  However, if you find yourself in this situation, you can regain the upper hand by bragging about how little time and energy you put into your costume, and making fun of the other person for all the planning they did, only to lose the costume contest to the hot, slutty-costumed, girl.  (Note: this also works for certain other competitive activities, such as bowling, “Wow, you are really good at bowling!”)  And here is the final tip to go along with your costume: Act the part.  You’ll have more fun. 

Problem #2: You lost points with your significant other, and perhaps lost your significant other entirely due to your non-participation.  Solution: Non-lame couples costumes.  The key is to come up with a couple from a movie where the man looks and acts like a man, and the woman looks and acts like a woman. I know it’s not that common, but it does exist.  Try being Wesley and Buttercup.  For Wesley, wear all black along with a black partial-mask.  For buttercup, wear a blonde wig, an old dress, and a fancy tiara.

Problem #3: You didn’t give out candy.  Solution: Be lazy and cheap for your costume, and then you’ll have more money for candy for the brats on your street.

Problem #4: Your costume unintentionally outed you.  Solution: For now, do damage control.  For next year, stick with the basics.  Do not take any risks.  You have proven that you can’t be trusted.  Run your costume idea by the person you know who does the best with the opposite sex.  But, make sure that they aren’t setting you up to fail as they plan to pick up on the people who are laughing at your expense.

Problem #5: You offended everyone.  Solution: Avoid the inappropriate costume.  Common pitfalls are the offensive racially-themed costumes.   Okay, so Robert Downey pulled off the white-guy made up to look black thing in a satirical movie.  Bad news: you are not him.   If you are white, don’t try to be anyone who is black.  In fact, you should probably not dress up like anyone who is not white.  If you are non-white, it is okay to go ahead and dress up like a white person.  You won’t be offensive.  Yes, this is a double-standard for the white folks.  Get used to it.

Another mistake in judgment is the “too soon” costume.  You may have a great idea.  It might be hilarious or even artistic in certain circles, but it probably isn’t right for the party you are going to.  Example: it is not cool to dress up in normal clothes but with a turban and some box-cutters.  It’s too soon.

So there you have it.  Your problems, our solutions.  As we said before, there are many possible reasons you could be feeling bad.  Maybe you just need some of the pink stuff for your stomach, or sometime in the bathroom after all that nasty candy.  If we didn’t solve your specific problem, well, we never guaranteed that we would.  In that case, your best bet is to just stay home next year and enjoy giving out candy.  Don’t be cheap.  If you refuse to participate, turn off your porch light and all indoor lights that are visible from the outside, and hope you don’t get a pumpkin smashed on your car.  You’ll have no one to blame but yourself.  You anti-social party pooper.