Do you remember the Alanis Morrisette song where she thanked everybody?  No not the one where she blew a dude in movie theater.  The one where she thanked India and then silence in the same sentence.  That song was stupid.  But it made me think of what I’d like to give thanks for this Skanksgiving.

Thank you Eggshell for numerous bumps on my crotch.  Thank you mother for bathing me and breast milk until age 35.  I’m 31.  Thank you world for Bar Rafaeli.  Thank you genes for great facial hair.  Thank you liquor. Thank you Karate Kid.  Reverse Thanks Karate Kid II and tofurkey yourself Karate Kid III.  Thank you capitalism and greed for an opportunity to be rich bitch! Thank you Halloween for sluts. Thank you racial stereotyping because without you nothing would be funny.  Thank you chairs. Thank you black guys for taking the leftover fat white women.  Thank you advertising for implanting the constant fear of impotence.  Thank you McRib.  Thank you public transportation for not tinting your windows to reveal all the poor people’s faces.  Thank you baseball and images of grandma to keep me from orgasiming. Thank you orgasms. Thank you viral videos of monkey’s drinking their own pee. Thank you Bob Saget.  Reverse thank you to guys who wear flip-flops with jeans in the winter. Thank you liquor. Thank you reality TV. Thank you milk and weed. Thank you midgets. And a big ass happy muthaphukkin thanks to liquor.  Also skanks to WGUB for giving nerds something to read during intermission of masturbation.