Sooooo…. Whassup?  Been a while (this is awkward).  What have you been up to?  Still doing that thing with those people that makes you happy?

Okay, this is just weird so I’ll address the 500 pound gorilla in the room…. I know I haven’t really been here for you for a few weeks.  I’m not one to make excuses, but here’s why.  I’m a covert operative for a secret unsanctioned branch of the government that deals with matters of the unknown.

No?  okay… I’m actually Charlie Sheen and I’ve been on this crazy month-long bender which I just “woke up” from this morning.  I have about a thousand voicemails and some wicked emails along with this guy from TMZ asleep on my couch.  Trying to figure out what just happened.  Also, I have “Winning” tattooed across my back.  WTF does that mean????

No?  okay… I’ve been in a very intensive training camp for the last Columbia mission and… well, duh!  I’ve been in space.

No?  okay… three words, Penis Enlargement Surgery.

No?  okay… I tried the whole Lady Gaga 3-days in an egg thing… but forgot to include a f’ing door latch on the inside.  Thank god my Mom finally came down to the basement to check on me and was able to let me out.

No?  okay… After the Holidays I decided to go to fat camp.  I went to lose a few extra pounds, but stayed for all of the massive vaginas covered in low self-esteem.

okay… how about: Was at AA laughing at the quitters… At your mom’s house… Went in to help the Chilean miners and couldn’t find any so I just hung out in the cave, grew a beard, drank piss and realized those guys were p*ssy’s…. Went on a 13 day sex tantra with Sting.

Well… one of those is true-ish.  What are you doing anyway?  Writing a book?  Quit being so nosey!