Look, don’t be a tool and go to a game looking like a freak at a Oakland Raider game. Really, you aren’t scary. You are actually a pain in the ass to everyone else.
For every man there are a few essential game day staples that should be worn. Your first choice of shirt should be a jersey. The second should be a t-shirt. Preferably, you will wear a team jersey, with a team t-shirt underneath. This jersey must be of a current player on the team. No, you can’t go to the Steelers game wearing your Kordell Stewart jersey. The only time it is acceptable to wear a jersey of a former player is if they are in the hall of fame, or retired after a decade of service. If they currently play for another team, they are the enemy and thus should be put away until such time as option A or B is met above. Throwback jerseys are acceptable.
The second staple of the wardrobe should be a cap. The cap must be fitted, thus making it worthy of being worn forwards and backwards without looking lame. It is to be worn forward for the majority of the game to keep the sun off your face. But must be turned backwards on all 4th and goal situations, when your team is driving for the winning touchdown, or the opposing team is going for it on 4th and long. This is the football rally cap, and yes the players know when the fans are wearing their caps correctly.
Anything worn below the waist is up to the fans discretion, as long as it involves two things. Denim or shorts. Anything else does not belong at a football game. These materials were designed by God to absorb beer, mustard, and popcorn butter.
For those of you that like to take your ladies to the game, congrats on having a woman cool enough to go with you. There are a few requirements for women to attend games with their men. First and foremost, they must look hot. You can achieve this by dressing them appropriately. For those of you that might be uncomfortable having your lady friend dressing in the replica cheerleading uniform, we suggest some of these outfits, proudly modeled by Alyssa Milano. Bonus points if you can get Alyssa Milano to attend a game with you while wearing one of these outfits. A jersey is fine, but should be a female jersey. All of these outfits should be worn with the tightest jeans possible that still allow this woman to manuever to get you a beer during important game times were you can’t be disturbed.
