Happy Friday!!! While dumpster diving behind Tim Cook’s house recently, we came across some top-secret specs of the… are you ready for it???? The iPhone 6… way before it even hits the shelves. Here is a quick wrap-up of what we found and even some scans of top-secret doodles. Apparently Cook is a really shitty artist.
Will we get sued and put out of business for leaking this info? Probably… but screw it!!! We are journalists dedicated to the truth, and our people (that’s you).
The scans that we found, featuring some pretty incredible tech, for the iPhone 6 are bellow (click on images for a larger view)… and yes, the details for each picture are listed down there as well. You can bet your sweet ass cheeks that we will be camping out like some über Star Wars nerds to pick up this one at midnight..
- It will only obey short, one word commands much like a dog. It will also sulk when you yell at it for dropping a call.
- Yes, it will provide you with an Asian massage. A complete Asian Massage.
- Hidden in the code is a picture of Steve Job’s tumor.
- It’s new 20 megapixel camera has x-ray, heat vision, and night vision. As well as target lock function.
- It is water, dirt, chemical and outer space proof.
- Instead of Bluetooth technology, you will be able to communicate with it telepathically. Yes, you can think about porn and it will show up on your iPhone.
- For men it offers a built-in shaver, for woman a home Microdermabrasion kit. However the shaver can only be used on pubes, and the Microdermabrasion on backne.
- Hold approximately 1.5 oz. (a single shot) of any liquid
- Doubles as a one-time-use taser for debilitating a mugger/robber/drunkwhoresatthebar
- Has a 3D screen, for porn.