Over the weekend I realized something pretty huge… aside from having no clue what we look like (we aren’t quite ready for the huge paparazzi lifestyle), you really have no idea who we are. I mean, who we really are… you know, in a quasi-meaningful psycho-babble kinda way. So… I sat down with Crazy Uncle PaysteeWhite and asked him a series of questions. Questions that dive deep down into the psyche of everyone’s favorite insane buddy. Here we go:
|WG: If we were famous musicians what do you think our Pre-concert ritual would be?PW: Greeeaaaat question. First thought was circle jerk. Choose one lucky fan and place in the middle for our circle jerk. Sacrifice a virgin and a whore. Miniature golf.
WG: If I’m a cat… And you’re a dog, and we occasionally play poker together for novelty portraits… Who would smell whose ass?
PW: I would smell my own ass. Convince and persuade you that it smells like fish and then you being a dumb ass cat would smell my butt. Stupid cat.
WG: UPS… FedEx… Or USPS
PW: KFC…..that bowl that has errrrthing in it.
WG: If you were driving a two-seat sports car down the road on a rainy night and came across your best friend… The love of your life… And and old lady. Would you chew big red or wrigley spear-a-mint gum when you pulled over to kill the old broad and gang-bang the whore with you besties?
PW: The old lady is wearing a white shirt so I can totally see nip in the rain. Therefore I would mouth swap my Big Red with old lady’s Wrigleys. Then I would force my love and bestie to witness a picturesque donkey punch under the moonlight in the woods
WG: Hmmmm… Interesting. OK: If you could guest star on “The Big Bang Theory” would you rather be a pizza delivery guy or the hot chick across the hall’s left tit.
PW: Neither. I would actually rather be a real pizza delivery guy. If I had to guest star on Big Bang I would swallow pills + shotgun. I hate nerds and especially bad acting nerds.
WG: If you were an astronaut, would you rather go to the moon… Mars… Or Fresno in an adult diaper. Plus, in all scenarios you have to drink a full pint of tang every 15min.
PW: I would fill my diaper with a Mars bar and crawl to Fresno while Edward Fortyhanding my Tang.
WG: When you wear running pants do you prefer a swoop… Three stripes… Or a shit stain?
PW: A swooping shit stain 3 swooping shit stains
WG: Let’s assume you weren’t a eunuch… How many women should a normal American man have sex with in their lifetime?
PW: Have sex with….12. Have sex on….2.
WG: Lakers or Clippers?
PW: Clippers get a closer cut on the balls.
During our interview the breaking news that Katy Perry and Russel Brand are separating came through. Here’s what happened:
PW (checking his email): Katy Perry SINGLE!!!!!!!!
WG: Holy balls… Dude, nows your chance!!!! Big titties!!!!… I guess she saw “Arthur”… I guess she saw “Get him to the Greek”… I guess she heard him talk.
WG: Play golf like Tiger (in his prime), run like that African Bolt guy or throw like 3rd quarter Tebow for the whole game?
PW: Killer question… Combine all 3 for incredible speed golf ranking.
WG: And blind faith in Jesus (my Gardner… Not the Birkenstocks guy).
WG: Would you rather be a California cow or a Batman’s spandex? Or… As a secret alternative, Doris Day.
WG: Final question of the night: Scotch… Brandy… or Good whiskey, with a great cigar?
PW: Erase the brandy, double the whiskey, end with scotch and cigar.
There you have it folks… a glimpse into the insanity that is our very own Crazy Uncle PaysteeWhite.